This is a diary entry I wrote a year ago when life seemed hopeless and I was at the bottom of a dark miserable pit, unable to climb out. For all my ‘public’ image, I suffer badly with mental health and the constant strain of having to hide how I feel, often takes it’s toll.
There are so many support lines and peer support groups out there, but they seem impossible to engage with at times. Services are fast disappearing, even for those of us with severe mental health problems. I can see no improvement in this.
I see so many people on social media pouring their hearts out to a faceless world because they have no one they feel they can turn to. How long before some of these profiles are not active anymore because someone has taken their life?
Christmas is terribly hard for those who feel so desperate and alone. If you do one thing this year, please pop in to see a friend who has not been in contact for a while or a neighbor that you rarely see out of the house. If the Government won’t support mental health, then it is up to the community to support those around them.
Mental Health is not contagious and just an hour a week of real interaction can make all the difference. One little act by you can mean the difference between life and death for someone who is so desperately alone.
“This week has been a very challenging time. I found myself at a train station waiting for the through train, as i pondered whether to jump. Yet again totally alone. Everyone thinks so little of me, but i find myself playing along with their act. I simply do not care enough anymore to reach out. I have learned that people only want to engage with me when I am ‘happy’, so this is what I shall give them. A few do engage out of some misguided sense of need or sympathy, but it is clear to see this has no depth or substance. I have really tried to be honest this week and it has not been received well. People love the false me and avoid the real one. Many things have really upset me and normally I would argue them until blue in the face, but now i give up. I see no merit to trying to enhance any relationship i have. Instead I back down and say what they want to hear whilst another bit of me dies within. I am not happy… not sure i can ever be again. My friends oblivious to it all. Non stop all week. Yet here i am lying to the world about how happy i am and how determined to succeed i am. Does no one really see? Ofcourse they don’t. They don’t want to. I have to be alert 24/7 to keep up with the lies and pretense. I had my first proper human touch this week. It should have been a very significant thing to me, but it was a joke, a challenge and i was made to ask for it. My whole life of not having affection or care, to crave it at times, despite knowing i was not worthy of it. The first time i experience something i have constantly thought about and i had to ask for it. How pathetic does that make me? The only way someone will touch me is by me asking them to. It reinforces to me that i truly am unloveable. A simple act, which i hoped would open part of me up, unlock what i had long shut away and all it has done is remind me that i am nothing. It made me more determined to hide. I will always be alone. If the popular opinion keep pushing for their way, then atleast i won’t continue like this for long. In all the years of my life, very few have truly cared. And now the very same people want me gone. For now I will continue to receive the calls and messages. I will continue playing the ‘everything’s fine and i’m happy’ game. I will slowly die inside. I will not reach out anymore, i shall just hide deeper inside away from all those that want to hurt me and those that have no clue that they do.”