When someone does wrong by us, how do we know when we have got closure? Is it even essential to get it?
Time and time again the word has cropped up in therapy and confrontation resolution. Personally I do not see as this is achievable… How can we get closure from an event years before? When someone says ‘sorry’ does that mean that we have to accept it and move on, even if we don’t agree that the sentiment is real? Does closure just mean that we have accepted that we can not change anything and just deal with it?
I often think of how best to resolve past issues to enable me to not care anymore, but in truth, that is impossible. Something that affected me so deeply can never hope to be resolved. I have been accused of not dealing with events and instead closing myself off… but is this not a form of closure? If i don’t allow it to affect me every day then surely I have achieved a state of closure? When I have disagreements I obviously hope that the end result will benefit me and change how things are, after all we don’t argue for fun… Ok that is a lie… sometimes we all love a good debate. What if someone does something that no amount of words can rectify?
Recently someone left me a recorded message by mistake. This person had a certain amount of my trust and I had faith that even though we didn’t always agree, that fundamentally he had my back and respected me, as did the company that we are both involved in. The message was left from an office setting, where others from the company were present. They were laughing and joking about me and the words ‘Bitch, childish, full of bullshit and if she were a man i would go and smash her f***ing house up’ were all used and all this was met with lots of laughter.
Apart from sheer embarrassment, I felt very betrayed and let down, not only by the person saying them but all involved. It was once again hammered home to me how little I could trust people and played into every insecurity and bad emotion I had always felt. But how to deal with this effectively to get the so called ‘closure’? Was there any point in making an official complaint and tarnishing someone’s reputation for what they saw as banter in the office seemingly out of earshot? Should I go and scream at them and make myself look even more stupid than he already had? I chose (and i use the term loosely) to redirect the anger and hurt that I felt towards myself.
This served me a few purposes.. one- I was in control of what had happened, two- to shut out all the bad feelings brought back by this incident and three- to stop myself from hurting someone else. I think, perhaps, if i valued myself more then I would stand up and say this wasn’t acceptable but part of me was not shocked and just accepted that is how i deserve to be treated.
I started to feel sorry for this person for having to ‘deal’ with me and putting up with me. I am actually angry to say that after a few days I apologised to the person, as this felt the only way for me to get closure. To accept that i was yet again worth nothing more than very basic care and consideration. When i feel so devoid and worthy myself.. I can not expect others to contemplate any different. What would have happened years ago, if i had have had true closure on an event, then i wonder, would the rest of my life have followed the same path?
Closure means; A feeling of finality or resolution. But what if true closure can never be achieved and the issues are just doomed to circle your thoughts for the rest of your life, affecting every aspect of your being? In my case ‘closure’ just means closing down. Closing down to others and any expectation of deserving respect or anything good or worthwhile…